Please Feed The B...

Would someone please get Jessica Biel a cheeseburger? I can safely call myself Jessica Biel's biggest fan and she needs to eat SOMETHING! She has been turning into a skeletor as of late and it is making her look like an entirely different person. It is very worrisome and I would just appreciate if she could just go to the BK Lounge and have a couple whoppers. The End.

Kelly Clarkson Is Amazing...

Simon Cowell, Simon Fuller, and 19 entertainment should be praised for bringing American Idol to this country. While some of the singers that come through their have gotten by on their personalities and quirks, there is some considerable talent. In my opinion, Kelly Clarkson has the strongest voice out of anyone that won the show and while she won't sell as many records as Carrie Underwood, which is the nature of the music industry-particularly the huge sales that country music has due to most artists being jokes and good ones being a dime a dozen, she has a chance of being known as one of the best female vocalists in modern music history. One of the things that used to worry me about Kelly was her rather weak vocal chords. You can see what I'm talking about by watching her perform "Sgt. Peppers...." on American Idol. This stays with me because around this time she was having vocal problems and you could almost hear her voice threatening to give out when she hit the high notes. This has not been the case as of late. In fact, her voice is stronger than ever and possibly the best voice that is in music right now. With every performance she brings a noticeable passion and you can feel how deeply she cares about what she is singing. I think that is the mark of a great artist, when you can feel their pain and passion. Anyone can sing a song and have it auto-tuned and radio ready, but when you actually hurt or have an emotional reaction from listening to a song, that's when you know they're good. This pretty much sums up my feelings at the concert I attended in Youngstown on October 17th. The thing that has stuck with me are some of the comments that she made in the concert. I don't remember them exactly but she said things along the lines of "My favorite songs are never the singles off of albums" and "I love to do bluesy songs, but my label doesn't." Record companies are all about making money and to do this, you're not going to get what are known as "An Artist's Record", or albums that underperform but have acclaim and are some of the best material of the singer's career. An example of this is "My December", an album that was almost solely written by Clarkson and had deep lyrics and songs that aren't radio friendly. This had critical acclaim and is loved by fans, but it did nothing on the charts. I think it's important to do things that are meaningful to you and it's evident that this was a work of passion, screwing the radio and making something that would mean more to the listener. Take one listen to "Irvine", something that she will never release or perform again, and you will find one of the most haunting songs released by a mainstream artist in recent times. This song is painful to listen to and I can remember the first time I heard it, being shocked and tears filling my eyes as I read the heartbreaking lyrics as she sang them. Part of me thinks that the listening audience is shallow and part of me think it's the nature of the record business, but passion is hard to come by these days. I was refreshed to see passion returning during the concert this past weekend. In my next post I will go into details of the concert and talk about my favorite parts.

Radio Sucks!

I've been listening to the radio for about a week now pretty consistently and I've come to the conclusion that it sucks balls. I know that it is a business and record companies pay money to stations to play their songs, but they play the songs over and over! I have heard "I've Got A Feeling" by the BEP probably thirty times in a week and it's getting sickening. They're taking songs that people enjoy and turning them into headache inducing nightmares. If I have to hear how tonight's gonna be a good night, I'm going to throw myself from my window which is on the third floor. It's all music that doesn't have substance. I was horrified when I found myself grooving along to a song and then found out that it was by MILEY CYRUS! People like her and Taylor Swift, who have grating personalities and slight abilities to sing with the use of auto-tune, are pushed onto people that listen to these stations and reputable artists with meaningful songs are left out in the cold. Twenty years ago you could turn on the radio and hear a mix of songs that was representative of different types of music. Now, people who listen to these radio stations are subjected to dance song after dance song that only require a copied backing beat and auto-tune to be produced. I subscribe to Napster and for $15 a month I get to see at least thrity-five new dance albums and remixes be released every week, leaving me with little interest. It's harder to get material from artists that are award winning and recognized by their peers out because for every 1 "name" artist there are 15 artists that could be considered "faceless" because it all sounds the same. Because of this, I'm sticking with what I know, not what is considered popular. I downloaded a Mandy Moore cd in June, something that gets no radio play and limited tv appearances, and have fallen in love with it. It shows actual artistic growth and differentiation from her previous cds, something that you're not going to get from the industry preferred artists who release an album every 7 to 9 months. I saw her in concert and she sang without the assistance of a voice mixer or prerecorded background tracks, which when attempted by these popular artists sounds horrible. All you need for a hit record is auto-tune, a hot body, and money. If you don't have one of these things, you are objectified. To see this, look at the cover of Self Magazine featuring a nearly unrecognizable Kelly Clarkson. Her new cd, while great vocally, has clearly been influenced by the invisible hand of record companies who know what is the winning formula for songs right now and repeat it over and over. I've gotten into more artists from their use on tv shows than from the radio. Watch one episode of Grey's Anatomy and you will see showcased many artists that don't get the publicity that they deserve. Examples of this are: Great Northen, Greg Laswell, and Unkle Swan. Their music is brilliant and I would never have listened to it without hearing it from the brilliant people that pick the soundtract for the show. I don't really have a message for this post, just don't be a sheep because you're missing out on great stuff that makes you think instead of shake your ass. Published a half hour ago, case in point just heard I've Got A Feeling for the 31st time, the 2nd time in an hour. The window's looking pretty nice right about now...

Boobies de la Ho...

I am horrified. I consider myself to be pretty smart and therefore I'm supposed to know a lot about practical things. However, I have applied my intelligence to the entertainment industry and thus far in my life it's gotten me nowhere. I've wanted to be a script writer for a few years now, but due to the difficulty of getting a job and the fact that I'm too shy to show anyone anything that I've written, I've decided to be a financial advisor. However if that does not work, I would be a kick ass pr person or personal assistant for Jessica Biel. Why? Because I am a super fan. I can talk about S Club, Mandy Moore (glaring at me), Kelly Clarkson, and 7th Heaven for hours, but I'm truly an expert of the Biel. Now, a few years ago...probably 2001 I loathed JB. I actually loathed anyone with the first name of Jessica in Hollywood and also the cast of 7th Heaven, which I though was a stupid show. Then one day I turned on WGN and the "B" was on and I was hooked ever since. Maybe it was my innocent mind that was drawn to the "bad" antics of Mary, but whatever it was...it worked. I've seen every movie, every episode, and every tv appearance of the B since. I have also become a fan of Chris Evans and Timberlake because of her, even though I no longer like the former and think the latter is an asshole. Getting back on subject, imagine my fangirl horror today when I went online and saw pixelated boobies on my screen. Extra decided to show pictures of her boobies during their show either yesterday or today and I was appaled. I knew about the nudity in Powder Blue, I don't agree with it but I'm also not in shape like her so she can do what she likes with her boobies, and I've read the script which is pretty fucking stupid but I didn't expect the boobies to be flashed around on tv. This is just like the gear magazine incident, I got a packet of jb magazine clippings and what was the first thing to come out of the envelope...a nip slip picture. I think it's terrible that the acting performance, which from youtube clips is pretty good, is overlooked and everyone focuses on the fact that she pours wax on her boobies. I'm sure that the producers of the film specifically sent that clip over to get the publicity, but I can't help but feel that she's being exploited and that's not cool. She's worked her ass off to get past the gear magazine incident and what happens once she starts to get known for her work...she shows the boobies again. I guess an appropriate conclusion to this is that the world loves boobies...and I'm glad that I have them too. However, I won't get paid for showing mine which is a travesty. The End.

Driving Sucks BALLS!!!

This may be a biased point, but I believe that the DMV is hell on earth. The place is about as welcoming as a hospital and is freezing, a tactic that I believe is to unnerve people. I went to the DMV in Greensburg, PA on Friday and was terrified. It was filled with hillbillies and faux gangstas', who in reality were just poor white people from Jeannette. So, I waited forever and then was called up and got ready to be tested. My mother wasn't making it any better for me because she was overreacting and I just wanted to kick her out of the place so I could be alone and not as nervous. Then the lady came to give me the test and she was a BITCH!!! She was totally butch, which I don't have a problem with because maybe she wants a penis and that's her business, and very cold because she was running behind but things started out ok. Then she accused me of running a stop sign, something I haven't done in three years of driving, and let me parallel park before failing me. What was the POINT!!!!Because she was in a bad mood and needed to catch up, she failed me. I did not run the stop sign! She ruined my day and apparently my face and neck were very red. I had to keep my mouth shut and walk away because I was ready to beat up a ho. I have never beaten up a ho, but I was prepared to do it that day. I never fail at anything and it ruined me. I got sweet sunglasses and free samples at Sam's Club after, but nothing cheered me up. My mother scheduled an appointment Saturday in Butler and it was so much better. Much nicer people, much nicer DMV, only made one tiny mistake, passed. The only fail on my part, ugly license picture. So I'm now a licensed driver, but I'm still mad about the failure. I would've dominated on that test. I've driven through Pittsburgh on its crappy roads and did well. I've driven through construction zones and did well. A stop sign does not deter me. Hos deter me. I am a strong believer that if you're not happy with your job just quit it. It's not worth being unhappy. I know that it might be hard to find a new job with the economy being supposedly in ruins, but if it makes you that big of a bitch then you need a new profession. The lady in Butler, 1000% times nicer and it's not just because she passed me. I know I'm a good driver and she knew it too. I didn't even need to show her my boobies, which was my fallback plan. So, the moral of the story is that if you take your test in Greensburg and see the blonde haired brick house of a woman, brake check her and kick out of the car and scream "Dude looks like a lady" while pulling away. I'm sure that she has a penis, or at least a serious case of penis envy. Either way, she's a bitch. A big, fat bitch. With a penis.

Kirk Cameron Says I'm Going to Hell

Kirk Cameron told me a little while ago and it frightened me. I believe it was two years ago and it freaked me out. I had watched Mike Seaver growing up and always thought he was pimp, until he told me I was going to hell. Today I decided to see if I was still going to hell, and surprise...I'm still going to hell! wayofthemaster.com told me that I was going to hell and that's creepy. This dude is a celebrity and he's using his celebri-skills to lead me into terror. Know who doesn't do these terrible things to people...Jessica Biel. Thus, she is the greatest celebrity alive. This has been a useless post, but I am bored and have nothing else to do with my day.

Cameron Diaz is Evil...

and must be stopped. Now, nothing she has done lately has bothered me, but it's something that can be said any time and be considered true. I'm saying this now because yesterday was Jessica Biel's birthday and I celebrated it like I do every year. It ranks up there in my list of holidays just below my b-day and slightly above Thanksgiving. Whenever Barack Obama day becomes a holiday it might slip down a few spots b/c he is just the dreamiest, but for now it is my third ranking holiday. I celebrate it with a movie or two and enjoy them immensely. This year I really wasn't in the mood because my nose was stuffed up and I felt terrible, so I limited myself to thirty minutes of Blade:Trinity with just the commentary on. Now, I firmly believe that you cannot be a Jessica Biel fan and a Cameron Diaz fan at the same time, it's like loving Jesus and Judas at the same time, because it doesn't make sense. I don't necessarily like Justin Timberlake and his incessant crotch grabbing in youtube videos, but he allowed me to see the light about this terrible person. The story is 2007 Emmy's, jt talking to jb, diaz doesn't approve and has to be pulled away by the genius Drew Barrymore, therefore I hate her. I'm not going to sit here and blow jb and say that she's the best actress in the world, she's had to work to get where she is right now, and as of 2007 she had finally hit a level of respectable recognition due to her work in The Illusionist, and she's only going to get better with more movies. That event was pretty cool for her to be invited to, for years she had been known as the kid from the wb, and that whore had to ruin it for her. Sure, any publicity is good for getting yourself noticed, but it had to be embarrassing to see your face plastered on magazine covers suggesting that you broke up their relationship and essentially calling you a whore. Thus, I hate her with the passion of a thousand suns. I also hate that the skank flaunted herself around on Oprah or Ellen, talking about their relationship a year later, and acted like an asshole. I also don't like that she hasn't done anything since then besides date a bunch of random dudes and show up on SNL and Jimmy Kimmel. I think I'm getting on a needless tangent about her, because it's just leading back to the fact that I hate her. I think my feelings would best be expressed in a youtube video entitled "I Want You To Die" by the amazing Storm Large, however I don't want her to die and would change the word Die to Break Your Nose Again and Never Get Another Acting Job. Hope you had a wonderful JB birthday!